just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just want nice things and good sex
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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