I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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