sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
