the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
