I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
