In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I AM VODKA MAN
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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