It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
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The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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