can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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