She said her name was "party"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
