I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
