woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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