Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
