I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
