just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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