my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
