I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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