wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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