I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
