I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
