"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You made out with two different species that night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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