So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
