I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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