guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
