Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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