Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
