Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
