alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I wear drunk well.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
