I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
