dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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