wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
