It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
