She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
