if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
