I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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