I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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