My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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