Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
