It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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