It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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