He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
