Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
