cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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