I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
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I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.