He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
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It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.