Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.