Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
