we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
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It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
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Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg