Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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