I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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