from now on my penis is your penis
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
