I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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