My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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