she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
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They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.