filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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