he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You may now shotgun with the bride
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
