Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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